TONY
“Hey Phil, do you have two bucks? My pneumonia is killing me; I need to lie down somewhere.”
Archive for the 'homeless' Category
Somewhere only we know
November 19, 2007My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends
November 13, 2007 
TONY
“Phil, you should hear what happened to me Saturday night:
I was paying my respects to Silvio, the homeless guy who got killed in September down at King and Ronces, the guy I told you about and we wrote in the blog. So I got on my bike and I start coughing and coughing and coughing, you know, because of my pneumonia. Anyway, I was riding down King Street while I was coughing my ass off — guess who comes around the corner down near Dufferin? I’ll tell you who came around the corner. It was that same fire truck from 426 Division, you know the one that saved me from being run over last winter and it’s also the same one that ran over my friend a few months back. So I nearly hit this truck — but I don’t — but there’s this car behind the truck and this car is totally new, shined up and everything. Plus, believe it or not, it’s a new Porsche 911. I’m not kidding you. So I try to miss hitting the Porsche but I wiped out, into into the back quarter panel. So, of course, the guy gets out of the car, of course he’s pissed at me, and I’m telling you, he’s six-foot-something and he’s got biceps that could crack walnuts. So he looks at down me and says: ‘I know you. You’re homelessmanspeaks.com.’ So he’s was pretty nice to me considering but now I owe him $100.”
The naked and the dead
November 10, 2007 
TONY
“You remember that aura that visited me when my friend died a while back? Well he came visiting me again.”
PHILIP
“Where was this?”
TONY
“You know the place where I’ve been sleeping the last few nights? It was the middle of the night and I was under all my clothes and covers, and all of a sudden the place was lit up like there was a fire, but I knew it was that aura. I don’t know what he wants this time but I’m for sure doing what he says.”
To drive the cold winter away
November 9, 2007
Brand New Dei
November 6, 2007
TONY
“You remember that woman Edith I told you about who’s always bringing me food and things? You know, she’s the one who invited me to visit her Sunday School but I never went? Well, she tells me that she was talking to her Sunday School kids about me, and she showed them some print-outs from the blog. Edith says that the kids just couldn’t believe that a homeless guy would believe in Jesus. So Edith’s going to bring her Sunday School class around so I can tell them myself.”
Eternal return
November 1, 2007
TONY
“Phil, you should have seen the costume that the kids dressed me in last night.”
PHILIP
“What kids were those?”
TONY
“I’ve been going out with this family on Halloween for years. Back when my wife was alive, we used to go ‘trick or treating’ with them. Now they’ve got their own kids, which is who I went out with last night.”
PHILIP
“So what was your costume?”
TONY
“Let me put it this way — I had fishnet stockings, short skirt, garters, everything you can think of. My boobs were filled up with kids’ socks. I even had two guys proposition me. Anyway, the kids had a riot but I wonder what they told their mom afterwards.”
Still life without waste
October 28, 2007 
PHILIP
“D’you put those bins away every morning?”
TONY
“Every morning that I’m here I do.”
PHILIP
“Do you get paid?”
TONY
“No, I’m not getting paid by anyone; I’m just trying to be a good neighbour.”
Still life with fruit
October 22, 2007
Daylight again
October 19, 2007
TONY
“Phil, could you spring me for a coffee this morning? I’m flat broke; I didn’t even have dinner last night.”
Tools of the trade
October 16, 2007
The firing line
October 15, 2007
Death be not proud
October 10, 2007
PHILIP
“Your face looks like there’s something wrong. What’s going on?”
TONY
“You know my friend with the scruffy beard who sits down the street sometimes? Well, his girlfriend just died. Anyway, I’m trying to get some dollars together so I can get her some flowers.”
PHILIP
“Tony, excuse me for saying so but you don’t even have a roof over your head; you can’t go spending money on flowers.”
TONY
“Yea Phil, but she was my friend too.”
I’ll be ready
October 4, 2007 
TONY
“There’s this woman who brings me a homemade lunch most mornings. So recently she hasn’t, which she was apologizing to me for, but I know she’s moving her home and she doesn’t have any place to even make me a sandwich right now. So I just told her not to worry; I said: ‘When you’ll be ready, I’ll be ready.’ “
Lord of the flies
October 3, 2007
TONY
“We’re losing another homeless guy.”
PHILIP
“Who’s that?”
TONY
“You remember when I told you about the homeless guy up the street, the guy who was drinking mouthwash? He’s in the hospital — has been for 3 days now. The doctors figure for sure he ain’t coming out of that hospital on his own steam, if you know what I mean.”
PHILIP
“How do you know this?”
TONY
“I spoke one of his other friends last night. The guy says that everyone’s done whatever they could to help the guy, but his insides were totally rotted out. You know, we’re just falling like flies now.”
Off with his cap
October 1, 2007
TONY [As a funeral procession drives slowly south on Roncesvalles, Tony doffs his cap].
“I always take off my hat when a funeral comes by.”
PHILIP
“Why’s that?”
TONY
“Just showing respect for the dead.”
Calling Ralph on the big white telephone
September 28, 2007
PHILIP
“Where were you?”
TONY
“I was in the garage. I was so sick that I couldn’t get up for two days. Then Doug brings me one of those expensive sodas in those little glass bottles. I have one sip and I just start ralphing, I mean I was doing it for 20 minutes. So Doug is holding this trash bag and telling me it smells really terrible, which it did but I couldn’t stop it. So I thought I had a stomach bug or something, but then I remembered that I’d eaten this huge meal just before I got sick, and it must all just’ve got blocked in there.
“Anyway, thank God it finally came out .
“Also I’ve now got this hernia here where my intestine bulges out [Tony displays a golf ball size lump below his solar plexus]. The doctors tried to fix it three times already but it just comes back out.”
Bump on a log
September 21, 2007
PHILIP
“Where were you the last few days?”
TONY
“You’ll never believe this. I fell asleep in back of a truck on Wednesday night, I think it was. So while I was sleeping, the driver drove up to Huntsville. I didn’t feel a bump, I was sleeping like log. So I woke up in Huntsville and then it took me two days get back here to Toronto.
PHILIP
“The driver didn’t know you were there?
TONY
“Nope. Nobody knew where I was except me.”
State of denial
September 17, 2007 
PHILIP
“I didn’t see you at the [Roncesvalles] street festival this weekend.”
TONY
“Well, one of the cops asked me not to be in the festival area. You know, you can see his point; folks just want to be having fun at the festival. They don’t want to be bothered by a guy like me. Anyway, I told the cop it was no problem … he was just doing his job, just the same as I was doing mine. Then he goes and cracks me up when he says: ‘Yeah, but I prefer my job to yours.’
“You gotta agree with him on that one.”
Coin of the realm
September 12, 2007
TONY
“You see this coin? I thought someone gave me a loonie until I took a look at it. I gotta say I’ve never seen one of these before but it’s a good idea.”
The Socratic Method
September 9, 2007
TONY
“You know my friend you met the other day, you know the one, he’s homeless too. He’s looking really bad; I think his body’s about to give out on him, if you know what I mean. He’s into the mouthwash again. I don’t know how he can drink that stuff. Anyway, he’s killing himself, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
Homeless Man Speaks 
