Archive for the 'mom' Category

Eternal return

November 1, 2007

Great parade

TONY
“Phil, you should have seen the costume that the kids dressed me in last night.”

PHILIP
“What kids were those?”

TONY
“I’ve been going out with this family on Halloween for years. Back when my wife was alive, we used to go ‘trick or treating’ with them. Now they’ve got their own kids, which is who I went out with last night.”

PHILIP
“So what was your costume?”

TONY
“Let me put it this way — I had fishnet stockings, short skirt, garters, everything you can think of. My boobs were filled up with kids’ socks. I even had two guys proposition me. Anyway, the kids had a riot but I wonder what they told their mom afterwards.”

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The girl next door, interrupted

June 1, 2007

Birds and bees

TONY
“I remember when I was about 9 year old, I was on the roof of our house and I fell off. I was up there learning about sex with about the girl from next door. I didn’t know nothing about sex, so she was kind of teaching me if you know what I mean. We were just getting going when I felt someone grabbing my ankle — later I found out it was my Mom who grabbed me. Anyway, I took off across the roof and just fell right off. I was a bit knocked out after that but I remember my Mom coming over to me and she asked what I was doing up on the roof before. Of course, I tell her nothing much. So we go inside, and I’m still not figuring out that I don’t have my pants on. So next thing you know, the girl comes to our front door and gives my pants to my Mom.

“I was off girls for a while after that.”

——
PS: Tony to the emergency ward at St. Joseph’s Hospital earlier this week and was advised to begin using a Ventolin (or equivalent) aerosol pump to keep him breathing properly. As such, he needs a regular supply of them. If anyone knows an inexpensive means of acquiring them, Tony would love to hear from you. Please add a comment below or click me at philip [@] sternthinking.com. Thanks.

Dad, could you spare me?

May 30, 2007

Mercy and justice

PHILIP
“Tony, I’ve meaning to ask you this for a while: What’s your earliest memory?”

TONY
“I remember when I was 5 years old, my Mom would sometimes put us in the ‘cold room’ in the basement for punishment when my sister and me had been bad. I remember once when she was angry at us — I can’t remember what it was about — so we went into the cold room. Then my Dad sneaks in, he surprised the heck out of us and he gives us each dime, so we could crawl out of the little basement window and go to see a movie. I can’t remember the movie at all but I’m pretty sure we saw it twice and we probably got some popcorn too like we always did. Then after we snuck back through the window to the cold room. Of course, when she let us go later, my Mom asked us if we’d learned our lesson and of course we said we did and I think probably we even behaved properly after that and Mom never found out.”

Jamaica farewell

January 22, 2007

jan-9-2007-ps-114.jpg

TONY (walking into a local convenience store)
“Hey Phil.”

PHILIP
“What’s up?”

TONY
“Just going to use their phone to see if my flowers got delivered. My “second mom” just died so I’m sending flowers. I met her 15 years ago when we were both working at this old people’s home where I was the maintenance guy. She asked me to help her get some barrels into a van and I gave her a hand. After she moved back to Jamaica, she came up from time to time to visit her kids up here and she’d give me a bottle of Jamaican rum, extra proof, every time.

She was really a second mom to me. My diabetic friend is pretty sad too. We’re gonna miss her.”

I should have been my sister

December 8, 2006

Tony remembering the days of ironing

TONY
“My mom would always say that my sister should have been me [Tony] and I should have been her [Tony’s sister]. I could do the chores better than she did.

“I’ll give you a funny example. Back in the days, instead of my wife doing the ironing, it would be me. See, she [Tony’s wife] learned that I could iron pants better, so they would have a good crease. You just got to have a dish towel and some brown paper. You fold the brown paper tight where the crease is and then you wet down the dish towel a bit. Then you put the towel over the paper and iron it and the pants come out perfect. Once my mom said you could almost cut butter with one of my creases.”

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