The word from the street
PHILIP
“You always seem to have some cigarettes on you. How does that work?”
TONY
“Well, there’s lots of ways I get ’em. Mostly, people give ’em to me. Like, there’s this woman — one of my regulars — she’s trying to quit. So she buys herself a pack, she takes out six cigarettes and then she gives me the rest. So when I find a pack with 14 cigarettes in my hat, I know she’s been by.”
TONY
“This week’s been just dead on Ronces. You could’ve fired a missile down both sidewalks this morning, and you wouldn’t have hit anyone. That’s what happens on spring break — happens every year, regular as clockwork.”
TONY
“You see that lady over there? Just the other day, she was waving like crazy at this taxi but the guy didn’t even notice her. So I yelled at him real loud and he turned around and he picked her up. You know, the driver said thanks, even though I’m just a homeless guy … some of those cab drivers are pretty decent guys.”
TONY
“OK, so you know the guy who ratted me out the other day, I mean with those tickets I got?”
So I forgot to tell you that he’d already come and told me he was going to report me to the cops. So you know what I did? I gave him a quarter! Man, was he surprised. He called the cops anyway, you know.”
TONY
“It’s a bit disgusting but you should really hear this for the blog. The other day, this woman comes out of Alternative Grounds, she’s got a nice hot coffee. It’s the first time I’d seen her and we got chatting about all the birds around, especially the pigeons when you know what happens to her coffee which didn’t even have a plastic top on it.”Well you don’t need much imagination to figure what came next.”
TONY
“Well now I owe the government $150.”
PHILIP
“OK, I’ll take the bait. What happened?”
TONY
“I got three tickets from the cops yesterday.”
PHILIP
“How come?”
TONY
“Get this; I got one for asking someone if I could hit them up for a buck and then I got one for panhandling near a vehicle and then I got this other one. But you gotta know the best thing … you know the one for panhandling near a vehicle … you know what the vehicle was? I’ll tell you. It was the cop car that the cop who gave me the ticket was riding in. Top that, if you know what I mean.
TONY
“What I just told you, you can’t put that up on the blog, if you know what I mean.”
PHILIP
“Too bad. It would make a great post.”
TONY
“Yeah I know.”
TONY
“Hey Phil. Do you like my new jeans. I got them for myself for my birthday. My figuring is I look a little sexier, don’t you think?”
PHILIP
“Sexier wasn’t the word that came to mind, actually.”
TONY
“You could at least say something nice. It’s my birthday you know.”
Homeless Man Speaks 