Archive for December, 2007

Bearding with whiskers

December 31, 2007

Bearding with whiskers

“Where did you sleep last night?”

“Do you like my trim?

“Very elegant. Where did you sleep last night?”

“My friend had locked up for the night so I went round to the my donut shop, which is where I trimmed my beard in the bathroom. I got myself into a bit of a confrontation with this guy who came into the bathroom after me. He was pissed that I’d left my beard hairs in the sink. So told him that if he hadn’t been knocking on the bathroom door so hard and pleading to get in, I would have cleaned up after myself like always. He didn’t like being shown up but after the waitress told him the same thing, he went and sat down and shut his mouth.

“Some people like him don’t see that they make their own problems.”

Assassinating Benazir Bhutto

December 27, 2007

Benazir Bhutto

“Did you hear that Benazir Bhutto was just assassinated?”

“Yeah, someone just told me about that. I bet you President Bush caused it somehow.”

Joke of the butt

December 26, 2007

Sancho Panza

You got any stories that might bring a smile to your readers during Christmas time?

“It’s funny that you asked that question since I was just thinking about a funny thing that happened to me a few years ago – it wasn’t funny at the time though. This is when I learned that wooden toilet seats are better than the other plastic ones, even those thick plastic ones.

“So I was sitting on this toilet made of that thick plastic I was talking about — not one of those flimsy ones — and it just cracked under my bum. Somehow one of my cheeks got caught in the crack, and boy did that hurt. I just screamed bloody murder. Turns out it was bleeding pretty bad but I didn’t know. So I started bleeding through my pants, ’til they were totally bloody all down the back of my legs. I couldn’t sit on that cheek for almost 2 months, if you know what I mean. The wood seats just wouldn’t do that to you.”

Beige existence

December 22, 2007

Tony’s new coat

“A lady I know, her father died so she brought me down his coat to see if it would fit me. Nice, eh.”

Not badly hung

December 20, 2007

Hanging loose

“Did I tell you I hung a door for Mike last night?”

“Isn’t that a hard thing to do?”

“Yup, sure is but I got that door installed so it clears the top and bottom, but the latch doesn’t click, so I’ve got some more to do.”

John gets a home

December 18, 2007

Water drops

“Where did you sleep last night?”

“Right now, I’m sleeping down in the basement at my friend Mike’s. I’ve been doing some work for him on and off. He needs a john in his place and I found one the other day that someone was throwing out — right there on the sidewalk not far from here. The whole toilet was there, no cracks or anything. So I hauled it over to Mike’s and I’m installing it for him.”

Slipping away

December 14, 2007

Tony slipping away

The dependency dilemma

December 13, 2007

A bird in the hand

“Hey Phil, check this out. It’s my pigeon from the other day. I told him not to get too dependent on me.”

The Kleinian revelation

December 10, 2007

Evolving embryo

“Hey Tony, guess which web site comes up #1 on Google when you search for ‘homeless man’ ?”

“All right!”

Snow blind

December 9, 2007

Snow flakes

“I found my glasses.”

“Where were they?”

“In the snow bank I slept in last night. I thought for sure I’d never find’em.”

Warmth of the season

December 6, 2007

Warm bench


It’s Tony’s lucky break

December 5, 2007

Collar bonePHILIP
“You look like the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come — what happened to you?”

“I went ass over tea kettle on the ice. Always happens to me when I put my hands in my pockets, I just got too cocky.”

“Where did you hurt yourself?”

“Here on my side here. I’m lucky I already have that broken collar bone. Otherwise I would have for sure pushed that bone would be sticking right out my shoulder. I’m telling you, it hurts like hell; I hit it the ground pretty hard. Serves me right though, I should keep my hands out of my pockets on the ice.”

Pizza and wings

December 3, 2007

 Hurt bird

“See that pigeon over there, hobbling around. He flew smack straight into the corner edge of that building right over there. I went over to him — I didn’t think he was going to live; he’d tore up his left chest bad. I’ve been nursing him a little, even got him to eat a little bit of pizza. If you ask me, that’s a pretty tough bird.”

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