Archive for the 'ass' Category

Forget me not

March 14, 2008

Blanket of many colours

ONE OF TONY’S “REGULARS”
“Hi Tony, I saw you really shivering last time so I checked at home and found you this blanket plus this fleece jacket. You can use that blanket to keep that beautiful ass of yours nice and toasty.”

TONY
“Well that’s 100% great. Thanks for these very much; I can use them. But I got to tell you, my ass is nice and warm right now. What I need it for is to warm up my legs.”

[Later] to Philip

“That the blanket is kinda like that Coat of Many Colours from the Bible. Except no one wants to kill me for it, which is good. i can’t believe I still remember those Old Testament stories but that’s what a Catholic education does for you.”

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Joke of the butt

December 26, 2007

Sancho Panza

PHILIP
You got any stories that might bring a smile to your readers during Christmas time?

TONY
“It’s funny that you asked that question since I was just thinking about a funny thing that happened to me a few years ago – it wasn’t funny at the time though. This is when I learned that wooden toilet seats are better than the other plastic ones, even those thick plastic ones.

“So I was sitting on this toilet made of that thick plastic I was talking about — not one of those flimsy ones — and it just cracked under my bum. Somehow one of my cheeks got caught in the crack, and boy did that hurt. I just screamed bloody murder. Turns out it was bleeding pretty bad but I didn’t know. So I started bleeding through my pants, ’til they were totally bloody all down the back of my legs. I couldn’t sit on that cheek for almost 2 months, if you know what I mean. The wood seats just wouldn’t do that to you.”

It’s Tony’s lucky break

December 5, 2007

Collar bonePHILIP
“You look like the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come — what happened to you?”

TONY
“I went ass over tea kettle on the ice. Always happens to me when I put my hands in my pockets, I just got too cocky.”

PHILIP
“Where did you hurt yourself?”

TONY
“Here on my side here. I’m lucky I already have that broken collar bone. Otherwise I would have for sure pushed that bone would be sticking right out my shoulder. I’m telling you, it hurts like hell; I hit it the ground pretty hard. Serves me right though, I should keep my hands out of my pockets on the ice.”

Remembering to say thank-you

November 21, 2007

Family time

TONY
“I know everybody thinks Bush has lost it upstairs but also you know, I meet a lot of Yanks and most of them are nice and decent people when you get to talk to them. And they’re spittin’ mad — same as us about Vietnam — I mean Iraq — and they can’t stand Bush just like we Canadians can’t.”

PHILIP
“And your point is …?”

TONY
“Well, someone just reminded me that it was American Thanksgiving on Thursday. It just made me think we should be giving thanks for having Americans as neighbours, even if their government’s run by a bunch of cocaine addicts. You gotta remember that America saved our ass a few times in history.”

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