Archive for the 'beggar' Category

An enigmatic expression

December 18, 2008

monalisasmile-dec-18-2008

TONY
“You remember the lady who slagged me on the blog a while back?  The one who said I had a nice apartment and I had a van and all that?”

PHILIP
“I think so.”

TONY
“Well she just gave me a toonie and a smile. Now explain that to me.”

Advertisements

Suspicious minds

March 9, 2008

Hyenas

PHILIP
“Hey Tony, I was talking to this homeless guy, Randy, about sleeping in shelters. He hasn’t stayed in a shelter in at least a year and he says he won’t ever again if he can. He figures that 10% of the five hundred guys staying there are ‘psycho’ — guys who’d kill you for ‘a pack of smokes or half a tuna sandwich.’ ”

TONY
You’ve heard me tell you that before. Nobody believes it … who’s gonna to listen to one of us, if you know what I mean?”

Thanks, Tony

January 21, 2008

Roentgen’s hand

TONY
“Do you remember the fellow I was coaching a few weeks back?

“Well, believe it or not, I turned him in. It was small stuff he was into, but he wasn’t sticking to his word to me, so I had to turn him in. I even told the cops where to find him. So he gets hauled off to jail in cuffs and they charge him and now he’s going to trial in a few weeks. So you know what he says to me when he sees me? … ‘Thanks, Tony. Now I don’t have look behind me everywhere I go.’

“Well, I never turned a friend in before but this time it was the right thing to do.”

Re-curse

January 14, 2008

Recursion

TONY
That photo you posted on the blog yesterday, it makes it look like I’m sitting in the middle of a pile of garbage. It’s sad to see myself like that.

Soothing the soul

January 4, 2008

On a white horse

TONY
“Thanks [for the coffee, Phil]. This is the first one I’ve had in 3 days.”

PHILIP
“Where were you?”

TONY
“Mostly at Mike’s place. I just pay him some rent and his girlfriend is cool with it.”

PHILIP
“What’ve you been eating … you haven’t even had a coffee in 3 days?”

TONY
“Nope. Noodles, mostly.”

PHILIP
“What do you do while you’re at Mike’s?”

TONY
“Well, other than sleeping, I do stuff that needs doing around the house and I watch TV and some other things. But my favourite is old-time radio on AM900. You can’t beat the Lone Ranger.”

Bearding with whiskers

December 31, 2007

Bearding with whiskers

PHILIP
“Where did you sleep last night?”

TONY
“Do you like my trim?

PHILIP
“Very elegant. Where did you sleep last night?”

TONY
“My friend had locked up for the night so I went round to the my donut shop, which is where I trimmed my beard in the bathroom. I got myself into a bit of a confrontation with this guy who came into the bathroom after me. He was pissed that I’d left my beard hairs in the sink. So told him that if he hadn’t been knocking on the bathroom door so hard and pleading to get in, I would have cleaned up after myself like always. He didn’t like being shown up but after the waitress told him the same thing, he went and sat down and shut his mouth.

“Some people like him don’t see that they make their own problems.”

Assassinating Benazir Bhutto

December 27, 2007

Benazir Bhutto

PHILIP
“Did you hear that Benazir Bhutto was just assassinated?”

TONY
“Yeah, someone just told me about that. I bet you President Bush caused it somehow.”

Joke of the butt

December 26, 2007

Sancho Panza

PHILIP
You got any stories that might bring a smile to your readers during Christmas time?

TONY
“It’s funny that you asked that question since I was just thinking about a funny thing that happened to me a few years ago – it wasn’t funny at the time though. This is when I learned that wooden toilet seats are better than the other plastic ones, even those thick plastic ones.

“So I was sitting on this toilet made of that thick plastic I was talking about — not one of those flimsy ones — and it just cracked under my bum. Somehow one of my cheeks got caught in the crack, and boy did that hurt. I just screamed bloody murder. Turns out it was bleeding pretty bad but I didn’t know. So I started bleeding through my pants, ’til they were totally bloody all down the back of my legs. I couldn’t sit on that cheek for almost 2 months, if you know what I mean. The wood seats just wouldn’t do that to you.”

Snow blind

December 9, 2007

Snow flakes

TONY
“I found my glasses.”

PHILIP
“Where were they?”

TONY
“In the snow bank I slept in last night. I thought for sure I’d never find’em.”

It’s Tony’s lucky break

December 5, 2007

Collar bonePHILIP
“You look like the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come — what happened to you?”

TONY
“I went ass over tea kettle on the ice. Always happens to me when I put my hands in my pockets, I just got too cocky.”

PHILIP
“Where did you hurt yourself?”

TONY
“Here on my side here. I’m lucky I already have that broken collar bone. Otherwise I would have for sure pushed that bone would be sticking right out my shoulder. I’m telling you, it hurts like hell; I hit it the ground pretty hard. Serves me right though, I should keep my hands out of my pockets on the ice.”

Cough-22

November 28, 2007

Sigmund Clemens

PHILIP
“You’re coughing again.”

TONY
“You’re telling me! It’s pushing my gut through my stomach muscles now.”

PHILIP
“Why don’t you go down to St. Joe’s and see a doctor?”

TONY
“No point.”

PHILIP
“What?”

TONY
“They’ll just write me up a prescription, but how’m I going to pay for it?”

PHILIP
“Come on, Tony, there’s got to be a government drug payment scheme for people in your situation.”

TONY
“Yeah, I’m working on that.”

À la recherche du temps perdu

November 25, 2007

Memory

PHILIP
“Tony, when’s the last time you took a vacation?”

TONY
“Ten years ago maybe. I don’t really remember.”

Somewhere only we know

November 19, 2007

Wheat field under a clouded sky

TONY
“Hey Phil, do you have two bucks? My pneumonia is killing me; I need to lie down somewhere.”

The naked and the dead

November 10, 2007

Naked and dead

TONY
“You remember that aura that visited me when my friend died a while back? Well he came visiting me again.”

PHILIP
“Where was this?”

TONY
“You know the place where I’ve been sleeping the last few nights? It was the middle of the night and I was under all my clothes and covers, and all of a sudden the place was lit up like there was a fire, but I knew it was that aura. I don’t know what he wants this time but I’m for sure doing what he says.”

Brand New Dei

November 6, 2007

Brand New Dei

TONY
“You remember that woman Edith I told you about who’s always bringing me food and things? You know, she’s the one who invited me to visit her Sunday School but I never went? Well, she tells me that she was talking to her Sunday School kids about me, and she showed them some print-outs from the blog. Edith says that the kids just couldn’t believe that a homeless guy would believe in Jesus. So Edith’s going to bring her Sunday School class around so I can tell them myself.”

Eternal return

November 1, 2007

Great parade

TONY
“Phil, you should have seen the costume that the kids dressed me in last night.”

PHILIP
“What kids were those?”

TONY
“I’ve been going out with this family on Halloween for years. Back when my wife was alive, we used to go ‘trick or treating’ with them. Now they’ve got their own kids, which is who I went out with last night.”

PHILIP
“So what was your costume?”

TONY
“Let me put it this way — I had fishnet stockings, short skirt, garters, everything you can think of. My boobs were filled up with kids’ socks. I even had two guys proposition me. Anyway, the kids had a riot but I wonder what they told their mom afterwards.”

%d bloggers like this: