The word from the street
PHILIP
“Hey Tony, someone threw your stool into the garbage pail over there. He was just some regular guy. Me and another guy pulled it out and put it next to ‘your’ tree there.”
TONY
“Let me tell you, it happens all the time, Phil. You know, when you’re homeless, folks think that they can do anything they like with your property. It’s like we don’t even exist. ‘Course, then people wonder why homeless people stink after they gotta rescue their stuff from the garbage.”
PHILIP
“Hey Tony, I was talking to this homeless guy, Randy, about sleeping in shelters. He hasn’t stayed in a shelter in at least a year and he says he won’t ever again if he can. He figures that 10% of the five hundred guys staying there are ‘psycho’ — guys who’d kill you for ‘a pack of smokes or half a tuna sandwich.’ ”
TONY
“ You’ve heard me tell you that before. Nobody believes it … who’s gonna to listen to one of us, if you know what I mean?”
TONY
“You remember the guy I told you I was coaching? Well, it turns out he’s a great cook, he’s amazing. He can cook anything. We got this nice piece of roasting meat the other night. By the time he’s finished cooking it, it was fit for a king. So now I’m a homeless guy with my own cook. Life is crazy sometimes.”
PHILIP
“Did you see the photo of JFK’s love-child who’s now living out in BC?”
TONY
“He’s a Kennedy, alright. You can see it in his eyes. Those Americans need a Kennedy again, I’m telling you. They need someone they can look up to.”
TONY
“I haven’t seen so much snow since that winter of 1999, you know when the army came in to dig us out. Also, that’s about the time when I got stuck being homeless.”
TONY
“You know that the Rogers Video store is closing, the one at up at Howard Park? Nobody’s in there most of the time anyway. ”
Folks just don’t like big-name stores on this street. Well, except for the banks and the coffee places. Everybody needs them.”
PHILIP
“Your face is distinctly green.”
TONY
“Someone else sid that and it’s true. I can’t keep anything down. I bought myself a nice sausage and it ended up all over the road. Could you buy me a can of stew or chili?”
PHILIP
“You’re kidding, aren’t you? You want chili?”
TONY
“Yup. Trust me. It’s what I need right now.”
TONY
That photo you posted on the blog yesterday, it makes it look like I’m sitting in the middle of a pile of garbage. It’s sad to see myself like that.
TONY
“Thanks [for the coffee, Phil]. This is the first one I’ve had in 3 days.”
PHILIP
“Where were you?”
TONY
“Mostly at Mike’s place. I just pay him some rent and his girlfriend is cool with it.”
PHILIP
“What’ve you been eating … you haven’t even had a coffee in 3 days?”
TONY
“Nope. Noodles, mostly.”
PHILIP
“What do you do while you’re at Mike’s?”
TONY
“Well, other than sleeping, I do stuff that needs doing around the house and I watch TV and some other things. But my favourite is old-time radio on AM900. You can’t beat the Lone Ranger.”
PHILIP
“Where did you sleep last night?”
TONY
“Do you like my trim?
PHILIP
“Very elegant. Where did you sleep last night?”
TONY
“My friend had locked up for the night so I went round to the my donut shop, which is where I trimmed my beard in the bathroom. I got myself into a bit of a confrontation with this guy who came into the bathroom after me. He was pissed that I’d left my beard hairs in the sink. So told him that if he hadn’t been knocking on the bathroom door so hard and pleading to get in, I would have cleaned up after myself like always. He didn’t like being shown up but after the waitress told him the same thing, he went and sat down and shut his mouth.
“Some people like him don’t see that they make their own problems.”
PHILIP
“Did you hear that Benazir Bhutto was just assassinated?”
TONY
“Yeah, someone just told me about that. I bet you President Bush caused it somehow.”
PHILIP
You got any stories that might bring a smile to your readers during Christmas time?
TONY
“It’s funny that you asked that question since I was just thinking about a funny thing that happened to me a few years ago – it wasn’t funny at the time though. This is when I learned that wooden toilet seats are better than the other plastic ones, even those thick plastic ones.
“So I was sitting on this toilet made of that thick plastic I was talking about — not one of those flimsy ones — and it just cracked under my bum. Somehow one of my cheeks got caught in the crack, and boy did that hurt. I just screamed bloody murder. Turns out it was bleeding pretty bad but I didn’t know. So I started bleeding through my pants, ’til they were totally bloody all down the back of my legs. I couldn’t sit on that cheek for almost 2 months, if you know what I mean. The wood seats just wouldn’t do that to you.”
TONY
“A lady I know, her father died so she brought me down his coat to see if it would fit me. Nice, eh.”
PHILIP
“Where did you sleep last night?”
TONY
“Right now, I’m sleeping down in the basement at my friend Mike’s. I’ve been doing some work for him on and off. He needs a john in his place and I found one the other day that someone was throwing out — right there on the sidewalk not far from here. The whole toilet was there, no cracks or anything. So I hauled it over to Mike’s and I’m installing it for him.”
TONY
“I found my glasses.”
PHILIP
“Where were they?”
TONY
“In the snow bank I slept in last night. I thought for sure I’d never find’em.”
PHILIP
“You look like the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come — what happened to you?”
TONY
“I went ass over tea kettle on the ice. Always happens to me when I put my hands in my pockets, I just got too cocky.”
PHILIP
“Where did you hurt yourself?”
TONY
“Here on my side here. I’m lucky I already have that broken collar bone. Otherwise I would have for sure pushed that bone would be sticking right out my shoulder. I’m telling you, it hurts like hell; I hit it the ground pretty hard. Serves me right though, I should keep my hands out of my pockets on the ice.”
PHILIP
“You’re coughing again.”
TONY
“You’re telling me! It’s pushing my gut through my stomach muscles now.”
PHILIP
“Why don’t you go down to St. Joe’s and see a doctor?”
TONY
“No point.”
PHILIP
“What?”
TONY
“They’ll just write me up a prescription, but how’m I going to pay for it?”
PHILIP
“Come on, Tony, there’s got to be a government drug payment scheme for people in your situation.”
TONY
“Yeah, I’m working on that.”
PHILIP
“Tony, when’s the last time you took a vacation?”
TONY
“Ten years ago maybe. I don’t really remember.”
Homeless Man Speaks 