Archive for the 'pants' Category

Into the breeches

November 8, 2008

Castle and guns

PHILIP
“Hey Tony. What’s the scariest thing that ever happened to you?”

TONY
“Well maybe it’s not the scariest thing that ever happened, but I can tell you I was pretty scared.

“There was once when the ETF cops broke into a house I was inside, just minding my own businesss. Somebody — I don’t know who it was — went and called the cops that there was someone with a gun in the house and next thing you know the ETF is breaking down the door. And the next thing you know, there’s a cop who looks like a Jeddi Knight or something pointing a big gun at me and he says to me that I should put my hands up which I do right away. So I put my hands up real, real high and he says to walk toward him nice and slow. I would’ve’ walked on my knees if he wanted but he says I should just do what he asked. I told him he wouldn’t get any trouble from me and I would’ve been happy to crawl down on the floor to him if he wante.

“Well, I just about did you-know-what right there, right in my pants.

“Those ETF guys don’t fool around — you could be dead in a second. And I was just watching some cartoon on the video, I think it was Madagascar or something. I remember the whole thing like it was yesterday and I didn’t know anything about the gun or anything. I’m pretty sure that he guy who had the gun was drunk, he wasn’t really going to shoot his wife — at least I don’t think so, but ‘course you never know, that’s for sure. I was pretty lucky or I’d be in a wooden box, if you know what I mean.”

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Joke of the butt

December 26, 2007

Sancho Panza

PHILIP
You got any stories that might bring a smile to your readers during Christmas time?

TONY
“It’s funny that you asked that question since I was just thinking about a funny thing that happened to me a few years ago – it wasn’t funny at the time though. This is when I learned that wooden toilet seats are better than the other plastic ones, even those thick plastic ones.

“So I was sitting on this toilet made of that thick plastic I was talking about — not one of those flimsy ones — and it just cracked under my bum. Somehow one of my cheeks got caught in the crack, and boy did that hurt. I just screamed bloody murder. Turns out it was bleeding pretty bad but I didn’t know. So I started bleeding through my pants, ’til they were totally bloody all down the back of my legs. I couldn’t sit on that cheek for almost 2 months, if you know what I mean. The wood seats just wouldn’t do that to you.”

The girl next door, interrupted

June 1, 2007

Birds and bees

TONY
“I remember when I was about 9 year old, I was on the roof of our house and I fell off. I was up there learning about sex with about the girl from next door. I didn’t know nothing about sex, so she was kind of teaching me if you know what I mean. We were just getting going when I felt someone grabbing my ankle — later I found out it was my Mom who grabbed me. Anyway, I took off across the roof and just fell right off. I was a bit knocked out after that but I remember my Mom coming over to me and she asked what I was doing up on the roof before. Of course, I tell her nothing much. So we go inside, and I’m still not figuring out that I don’t have my pants on. So next thing you know, the girl comes to our front door and gives my pants to my Mom.

“I was off girls for a while after that.”

——
PS: Tony to the emergency ward at St. Joseph’s Hospital earlier this week and was advised to begin using a Ventolin (or equivalent) aerosol pump to keep him breathing properly. As such, he needs a regular supply of them. If anyone knows an inexpensive means of acquiring them, Tony would love to hear from you. Please add a comment below or click me at philip [@] sternthinking.com. Thanks.

The price is right

December 31, 2006

New pants

TONY
“You like my new pants?”

PHILIP
“Where’d you get them?”

TONY
“Cost me five bucks at Value Village. You gotta admit, the price is right.”

PHILIP
“You buy your clothes?”

TONY
“Well I needed some pants.”

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