The word from the street
PHILIP
“I got you some stuff. Here’s a bottle of ibuprofens, and here’s one of those cans of strawberry-flavoured Ensure drink. How about that, eh [!]?”
TONY
“Great. I appreciate it. I’ll be using that ibuprofen right away, thank you — and I’ll put that can in my refrigerator for dinner.”
TONY
“Phil, could you spring me for a coffee this morning? I’m flat broke; I didn’t even have dinner last night.”
PHILIP
“Tony, have I asked you about that murder by the four homeless people last week?”
TONY
“Hey, Phil, can we talk about it tomorrow? I need to get some money for some dinner.”
PHILIP
“What did you do last night?”
TONY
“I cooked up some Kraft Dinner. Four of ’em.”
PHILIP
“Exactly where did you do that?”
TONY
“I went over to my Dave’s, my friend Dave’s.”
“Anyway, my recipe for Kraft Dinner is you start by chopping up a fresh onion. You boil the noodles the same as always, drain it out, and put in the onion and cook it ’til the onion gets clear. Then you put in the cheese. I like extra cheese so later you grate in some mozzarella, about a quarter of a brick. Then you put in the margarine and cook it up a bit more. Then you put in cream to get it to the right thickness. Most people use milk but cream’s the one to use. Then you put in the mozzarella and stir it up.”
PHILIP
“You ate your way through four boxes of Kraft Dinner last night?”
TONY
“Yup. You think four’s a lot? I should tell you about going to the buffet once when I was working for George Segal. You’d like that one.”
PHILIP
“What did you do over Christmas?
TONY
“A few of us went over to a guy we know. We’d said there wouldn’t be any drinking, no nothing, but this one guy comes in plain pissed, and that’s it for me. You know, we’d all promised to be clean but this guy, no, he has to hit the juice anyway. I got out of there. I was pretty pissed off. We all collected to buy a 7-pound turkey and he goes and screws it up. I just had to leave ’cause there was going to be a fight. Not on Christmas Eve, you can’t be fightin’ Christmas Eve.”
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PS: [Jan. 4] For a fierce denunciation of Tony and homeless people in general, read Randy’s comment in response to “From Tony’s cold case files“.
Homeless Man Speaks 