The word from the street
TONY
“How was your Halloween?”
PHILIP
“Chaotic. Fine.”
TONY
“Well I had a good one. I dressed up like a doctor, with a white lab coat and everything. I was just missing a stethoscope. The kids loved me but a few of the adults thought I was acting a bit strange but I think their problem is thaat they don’t really understand what Halloween is all about.”
TONY
“Hey Phil, want to hear about some idiot being really mean-spirited. Someone left me some cheese, a block of it, you know the Cracker Barrel kind. So when I find the cheese this morning, it’s gotten stepped on. Believe it or not, There was also a little note on it saying ‘you deserve it.’ ”
PHIL
“C’mon. You’re making this up.”
TONY
“Phil, when you’re on the streets, this sort of stuff can happen to you.”
Hi all,
The photos we wrote about on April 13 2008 in Irked Magazine have just appeared online.
The photos were captured by world-famous photographer, Jim Allen.
Tony and Philip
TONY
“You know, I just got 2 bucks from the guy who writes up the parking tickets on Ronces. He’s always been a pretty good guy.”
TONY
“Did you see Bruce today?”
PHILIP
“Who?”
TONY
“Come on, you know the guy I’m talking about. He had the scraggly beard and was shouting inside Alternative Grounds and pressing doorbells. You know the guy I’m talking about?”
PHILIP
“Yup. What happened to him? He seemed totally out-of-it the last time I saw him.”
TONY
“Well, he got himself cleaned up, got his beard shaved and everything. You know, what he told me was that he finally went down to the St. Joe’s and asked for some help and they actually gave it to him. If you ask me, I didn’t think he had it in him. Shows you what I know.”
“Anyway, believe it or not, I gave the guy a loonie; he really needed it.”
PHILIP
Are you voting?
TONY
“No but I’d vote for that Dion guy from the Liberals but I can’t vote since I don’t have an address.”
PHILIP
“Harper’s gotta go.”
TONY
“You know, he thinks homeless people should just get off their ass and get a job. He doesn’t understand how it is on the street. He should be in our shoes for a year or two, if you know what I mean.”
TONY
“You’ve just gotta be kidding me? Somebody out there is saying that I got a van and an apartment — they even said it was a pretty nice place ? What planet is she from?”
You know, if she’s saying that it’s that I’m lazy, I got news for you, you try doing what I do every day and see how far you’ll get if you act lazy. If you ask me, I’d be dead in a week.”
PHILIP
“Who are you waving to?”
TONY
“That the Police Supervisor’s car. I know all the older guys. Problem is, sometimes the rookies are pretty suspicious of me.”
TONY
“Did I tell you that I got my hub cap gotten stolen this morning.”
PHILIP
“This wouldn’t be a hub cap from the van that that woman wrote about on the blog last week?”
TONY
“No, no a guy gave me a Hyundai hub cap. You know I ain’t got a van, fer chrissakes. No, this guy just figured the hub cap had come off a car, which is a pretty good guess if you know what I mean. After he gave it to me so as I maybe could sell it, someone came by and stole it from me while I was on my smoke break.”
TONY
“You know Brad at Brad’s restaurant just down here? I asked him the other evening after he closed if he could spare a buck for dinner. Well he asked me how much I needed for dinner and he gave me the whole $7 that I needed.
“We should tell the people on our blog, you know what i mean.”
TONY
“Did I show you this. Actually, I got one for you as well.”
PHILIP
“How’d you get them?
TONY
“Some of the guys from 14 Division took me out for dinner last night if you can believe that.”
PHILIP
“What … they just popped you in a squad car and sped off to the local doughnut shop?”
TONY
“Sort of like that. So after dinner, they gave me one of these things so I just asked them for another one.”
TONY
Look what I found.”
PHILIP
“What’s that?”
TONY
“I found him on the road here. It’s a little bluebird. I can’t let him just get run over.”
PHILIP
“Holy smokes! So what are you going to do now?”
TONY
“Didn’t I tell you once that one of my regulars knows all about animals. I’ll take it over to her place. She’ll know the thing that we should do.”
PHILIP
“What are you sitting over here now?” [Tony is now located in front of Timothy’s coffee shop; click the Google Maps logo to see more.]
TONY
“Well, they were really nice about it, but some of the stores to me were getting a bit tired having me outside their building all the time. So I negotiated with the guy who owns Timothys to sometimes sit in front of his store.”
TONY
“Remember that guy, the one who was missing his marbles, you know, the guy we talked about on the blog a few months back?”
PHILIP
“The one with the scraggly brown beard and the hair? He’s doesn’t seem to be around anymore.”
TONY
“Well they decided to help him so he’s in the Clarke. Now he’s got to deal with all those crazy shrinks.”
TONY
“You see that blond girl that just walked up the street? That’s the Swedish woman I was going to tell you about.”
PHILIP
“About what?”
TONY
“Well, the first time she walked up the street, she sees I looking at her, well what do you expect, I mean she’s gorgeous. Anyway, she’s comes right up to me and says: “Stop doing that.’ She can see that I’m undressing her in my mind. She doesn’t like it, I can tell you. Anyway, then she just marches off. I felt kind of bad but what was I supposed to do?
“So next time she comes down the street, I see her coming and so I put my head down and look the other way so as I don’t upset her again. And while I’m not looking at her, she drops me a buck. Since then, we’ve had a great relationship.”
TONY
“I couldn’t find my old seat anywhere so I got myself a new one. D’you like it?”
PHILIP
“It’s beautiful. Where did you find it?”
TONY
“Just out back, in the alleyway.”
PHILIP
“So, would you say that it’s better or worse than the last model?”
TONY
“It’s comfortable … but it sucks, if you get what I mean.”
PHILIP
“Very funny.”
TONY
“You won’t believe what happened to me, I think it was yesterday. Anyway, I was riding my bike on a back street near Dundas and I get flagged down by this guy. Well he looks more pale than a sheet just washed in javex. He asks me if I was around there 2 hours before, which I definitely wasn’t. I never take that route when I’m going the other way, and besides I wasn’t on my bike when he was concerned about. So he tells me that he’s lost $3,800 in cash money. In cash money. Can you imagine that?”
PHILIP
“What exactly was he doing with $3,800 bucks in cash?”
TONY
“The poor guy just had cashed his paycheck and then he lost his envelope is what he tells me, believe it or not. You gotta feel for the guy even though, you know, I could really use the $3,800.”
PHILIP
“Are you going to be here later on today?”
TONY
“Oh yeah, you bet … been sick for almost 2 days so I’ve got some catching up to do.”
TONY
“You know, I’ve spent nearly an hour asking people if they have a smoke to spare and I ain’t got one yet.”
TONY
“So I gotta tell you this. You know I wasn’t here yesterday, right? Well, yesterday, apparently this guy comes barreling up the sidewalk on his bike, grabs onto one of those big new gas BBQs just outside Home Hardware there, and tries to make a break for it. Turns out that’s the guy who’d been casing the store all last week but — you see — the guy tries to make the heist on the one day I’m not down here. Anyway, luckily he didn’t get away with it.
“The people in these stores know one thing — if Tony’s on the street, there won’t be trouble.”
Homeless Man Speaks 