The word from the street
TONY
“I think it’s time for a holiday for me.”
PHILIP
“I’ve never heard you say that before … where are you going?”
TONY
“I’m gonna go out to Vancouver. I’ve got a friend and he’s going out there for a job with a bus line. He figures I could get some work there with him too. Anyway, I haven’t had a holiday in a while.”
TONY
“I feel like hell today. I’ve got the runs, everything.”
PHILIP
“Food poisoning?”
TONY
“No, it’s the chicken. I’ve gotta stop eating chicken.”
PHILIP
“Did you eat bad chicken, I mean chicken that’s gone bad?”
TONY
“No. It’s just regular chicken. Nothing wrong with it except it’s making me sick.”
PHILIP
“How could regular chicken make you sick? I’ve never heard of that. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone having an allergy to chicken.”
TONY
“Well maybe I’m the first one.”
TONY
“They say it’s going up to 6 degrees tomorrow,. I’ll tell, you, when the when it get’s warm, I get those springtime feekings I got 40 years ago, if you know what I mean. You can tell Valentine’s Day is coming.”
?”
TONY
“I got off yesterday.”
PHILIP
“What was that???”
TONY
“The judge said I didn’t have to do my 20 hours of community service. And you know who saved me … it was the crown prosecutor.”
PHILIP
“Who?”
TONY
“The crown prosecutor.”
PHILIP
“The crown prosecutor argued on your behalf?”
TONY
“Yup. He said that the case should never’ve got this far. He told the judge that the evidence just wasn’t strong enough. He said that I wasn’t at the wheel of the car, plus there weren’t any fingerprints that tied me to the crime.
“Then the judge said that he knew I was having trouble getting a place to do my 20 hours of the community service. He’d even read the blog about it.”
PHILIP
“So that’s it, no community service?”
TONY
“Yeah, but I’ll still try to help when I can.”
TONY
“You know, I still remember those college kids doing their lunch counter sit-ins. What year was that, about 1960?”
PHILIP
“I believe you’re right on that.”
TONY
“Well, with the big Obama thing happening today, it shows you that impossible things sometimes happen. It’s like the miracles in the Bible — people wouldn’t believe them but they were still true, if you know what I mean.”
TONY
“You know, I almost got arrested the other night, you know when it was really freezing and there was no electricity?”
PHILIP
“This seems to be an all-too-regular occurrence, if you don’t mind me saying so. I mean the ‘arrested’ part.”
TONY
“Well what can I say.
“Anyway, I found this trailer so I got inside. One of my regulars owns it and I figured he wouldn’t mind even if he knew I was there. I was so damn cold I had to get out of the wind somehow.”
PHILIP
“So how did you nearly get arrested?”
TONY
“Well I had my bike light that I was using for light inside, and then it started flashing and a cop car was cruising by and the cop could see my light flashing from inside the trailer. So of course he comes to investigate and he finds me and gets me out, you know, to question me. So I just tell him the truth, that it was really cold and I didn’t break anything or steal anything. Well he tells me he could charge me with B&E, but he’s not that kind of guy, and besides, he probably would have done the same thing in my situation.”
PHILIP
“Sounds like a pretty decent guy … ”
TONY
“No kidding. That’s not even half of it. He has me get in the cruiser with him and we drive to down the Coffee Time but it’s closed just like everything else with the power problems they had. So we find some place that’s open, he buys me a coffee and then he drives me back to Ronces. It was bitter cold out there but at least he went easy on me.”
TONY
“You should tell Sharon that I love her.”
PHILIP
“That’s a bit out of the blue.”
TONY
“I’ve been meaning to say it for a while.”
PHILIP
“So I shouldn’t worry?”
TONY
“No more than usual.”
TONY
“You look like you’ve been hit by a Mac truck.”
PHILIP
“Feels like it a bit.”
TONY
“What happened?”
PHILIP
“Drug reaction, I think.”
TONY
“Didn’t I tell you to stay away from drugs.”
PHILIP
“It was cold medicine, for God’s sake. I think I had some sort of weird interaction problem.”
TONY
“What happened?”
PHILIP
“I called a friend in New York to go out for a coffee. I thought it was his birthday.”
TONY
“Did you at least tell him happy birthday?”
PHILIP
“I can’t remember. I can’t even remember calling him.”
TONY
“So how do you know you called him?”
PHILIP
“He sent me an email asking if I was OK.”
TONY
“Well you seem OK now. A Mac truck can sure take a lot out of you, though.”
PHILIP
“Very funny. Can I get you a coffee?”
TONY
“Here’s your twenty from yesterday.”
PHILIP
“Thanks. Isn’t this the same exact bill?”
TONY
“Don’t ask.”
TONY
“Phil, sorry for calling so late. I know you got the family. Do you have twenty bucks that you could lend me? You know I wouldn’t phone you otherwise but they say it’s going down to minus 17 tonight. And I’ve gotta get a bed.”
PHILIP
“OK. Whatever. You’ll get it back to me tomorrow? Never mind. It’s Christmas. Come over.”
TONY
“Five minutes. I’ll be over in five minutes.”
PHILIP
“Where are you?”
TONY
“On Ronces. You know, around Geoffrey. I’ll be there in five minutes.”
PHILIP
“OK, five minutes. I’ve got some bananas for you here I think. Maybe something else too. I’ll look.”
TONY
“I’ll be there in five minutes.”
PHILIP
“OK, bye.”
TONY
“Bye.”
TONY
“So what do you think of my $140 coat?”
PHILIP
“You look spectacularly Darth Vader-ish, I have to say.”
TONY
“One of my customers got it for me. He said ‘I’m tired of seeing you out here shivering all the time. So my wife and I, we went and bought you this coat — you’ll be warmer now. You know, he actually bought me a new coat and he paid $140. I can’t believe it.”
PHILIP
“Do you know his name?”
TONY
“Nope. But I’ve actually known him for a while.”
TONY
“You remember the lady who slagged me on the blog a while back? The one who said I had a nice apartment and I had a van and all that?”
PHILIP
“I think so.”
TONY
“Well she just gave me a toonie and a smile. Now explain that to me.”
TONY
“Look at the sidewalk here. All that shovelling. I did it myself when I got here.”
PHILIP
“Good job. That’s very nice of you.”
TONY
“Well, they let me sit outside their cafe all day and they don’t bother me. Of course, I buy coffee from them too sometimes. So it’s a mutual thing, if you know what I mean.”
TONY
“You see my sign? I’m letting everyone know how close we are to Christmas. I’m starting to think that some people don’t want to know. No one has any money; let me tell you, I can tell.”
TONY
“Did you hear about the fire last night?”
PHILIP
“No. Where was this?”
TONY
“Just up the street there on Howard Park, just this side of Roncesvalles. The big one, the new one. You know the building.”
Later the same day …
PHILIP
“That fire you told me about, the one that’s supposed to have happened yesterday, the one you told me about.”
TONY
“Yeah the one we were going to write up on the blog.”
PHILIP
“I googled for a news story about that fire but I couldn’t find anything anywhere.”
TONY
“Sometimes I think that it should say in the Bible that not everything is on the Internet, if you know what I mean.”
TONY
“Did you know that I was working for the cops tonight?”
PHILIP
“What’s up?”
TONY
“There’s a guy around who’s snatching purses. He grabbed an older lady’s purse and put her in the hospital. You know, she was 72 years old and he put her in St. Joe’s.
“They thought they had him cornered in the lane behind but he must’ve slipped away. He was wearing a green jacket and probably aged around 17.”
PHILIP
“So what are you doing for the cops?”
TONY
“They want me to tell everyone who comes down the street that there’s a purse-snatcher around. So that’s what I’m doing. One sec, Phil
“Excuse me, Miss …”
Tony needs to perform 20 hours of community service in order to avoid jail time. He tells me that qualified organizations are preferring young people as volunteers. Thus, he’s not found any opportunity to do his community service. Can anyone help?
Philip
PHILIP
“What’s that cheshire cat grin about?”
TONY
“It’s those butter tarts.”
PHILIP
“What did you say?”
TONY
“You’ve never heard of butter tarts?”
PHILIP
“Yes I’ve heard of butter tarts.”
TONY
“Well, I’m glad to hear that. A guy like you should know about butter tarts, if you know what I mean.”
PHILIP
“No actually, I don’t know what you mean. OK, now exactly why are you smiling about butter tarts?”
TONY
“They’re not just your ordinary butter tarts.”
PHILIP
“Am I missing something? What’s this thing about butter tarts?”
TONY
“The best butter tarts I ever had if you ask me.”
PHILIP
“OK, I give up. What the heck are you talking about?”
TONY
“Don’t you know? The new bakery next to Brad’s. You’ve seen them — they just opened the other day. It’s called Mabel’s. She gave me some of their butter tarts yesterday. They’re the best ones I ever had. You should try ’em. I can’t believe how good they are.”
PHILIP
“I can see that. Are they at least paying you for promoting their butter tarts?”
TONY
“Yup. They’re actually paying me in butter tarts, which is a great deal if you ask me.”
Homeless Man Speaks 