TONY
“You know, I’ve spent nearly an hour asking people if they have a smoke to spare and I ain’t got one yet.”
Blown smoke
August 8, 2008It takes a village
August 7, 2008
TONY
“So I gotta tell you this. You know I wasn’t here yesterday, right? Well, yesterday, apparently this guy comes barreling up the sidewalk on his bike, grabs onto one of those big new gas BBQs just outside Home Hardware there, and tries to make a break for it. Turns out that’s the guy who’d been casing the store all last week but — you see — the guy tries to make the heist on the one day I’m not down here. Anyway, luckily he didn’t get away with it.
“The people in these stores know one thing — if Tony’s on the street, there won’t be trouble.”
The shadow of the sun
August 4, 2008
TONY
“You should have seen what happened yesterday, just up Roncesvalles.”
PHILIP
“OK, I’ll take the bait. What happened yesterday?”
TONY
“Some people called 911 after they found me sleeping on a bench up there. Then the firetruck came to save me but, I’m telling you, I was so out I never even heard the siren or anything.”
PHILIP
“They what?”
TONY
“Well, they thought I had sunstroke, but i was just sleeping. You know I haven’t been getting much sleep lately. So anyway they woke me up finally and I just was so sleepy that I could hardly walk straight. And before you ask me, I’m gonna tell you I had nothing in me, not even one beer. I was just totally tired is all, I just couldn’t wake up properly.”
PHILIP
“So these people were really concerned about you.”
TONY
“Yeah, that happens sometimes.”
Change management
July 31, 2008
PHILIP
“What’s this new critter here?”
TONY
“It’s my new musical mouse, since I decided to replace Elmo. The kids were getting bored because they were getting too used to Elmo and it was time for a change anyway if you ask me.
PHILIP
“But Elmo’s still here; he’s just facing the other way now.
TONY
“Elmo’s my back-up plan, in case some kid doesn’t like my mouse.”
PHILIP
“Right.”
Like I told you before …
July 28, 2008
TONY
“Yup, like I said before, the guys from 426 Division, they’re the best in this city.”
—-
For more on Tony and the 426, see:
homelessmanspeaks.wordpress.com/2007/11/13/my-friends-all-drive-porsches-i-must-make-amends/
homelessmanspeaks.wordpress.com/2007/10/06/homeless-man-thanks/
homelessmanspeaks.wordpress.com/2007/04/06/giving-and-taking-away/
Uneasy lies the crown
July 20, 2008
TONY
“A buddy of mine just found a bottle of Crown Royal from 1984 in his friend’s basement. This guy collects stuff that could be worth something some day and I think he might have something there. I know a few folks who’d just drink the bottle then and there, it wouldn’t matter if the bottle was from 1784.”
How sweet it is
July 16, 2008
TONY
“You shoulda seen me last night. A guy from one of the local cafes comes outside and asks me to try this fudge bar he’s just made. So I try it and, I’m telling you, I got one heck of a sugar rush. I coulda run all the way up to the corner and back. I’ve never tasted something that sweet in my life.”
The fright from woman
July 15, 2008
PHILIP
“What are you laughing at?”
TONY
“I was just remembering about how I nearly got myself run-over yesterday … I was crossing the road over there and I kind of just stopped in my tracks. There was this absolutely beautiful woman walking down the street and the driver almost didn’t see me ’cause he got distracted too, if you know what I mean. He and me, we laughed our guts out when she turned the corner.”
Tony hears a confession
July 13, 2008
TONY
“Check out these trousers. You like ’em? They’re from when bell-bottoms were ultra-cool.”
PHILIP
“Tony, I must confess, I am utterly awestruck. They’re so new, yet so retro. So casual, yet so fashionable … ”
TONY
“Hey, just for your information, I’m not allowing any jokes about my pants until tomorrow.”
Tony destroys housing
July 12, 2008
PHILIP
“What are you doing with that thing?”
TONY
“This thing? That the lens from one of those big old back-projector TVs. I’m cracking it out from the plastic housing so I can do my reading better. My glasses don’t work much for me anymore, if you know what I mean. Most people don’ know it but these lenses are amazing.”
Tony salutes
July 11, 2008
TONY
“See Milton over there? Now there’s a guy who knows how to do a job. I’m always am telling him how he’s keeping Ronces cleaner than a whistle. If I knew his boss, I’d tell him the same.”
Saluting Tony
July 4, 2008
TONY
“So one of my regular comes down the street. She gives me 40 bucks and says that she’s going to miss me. She’s moving to California and so this will be the last time she will see me. Then she says I’ve been an real inspiration to her over the last 4 years. Really. She said that to me.
“Boy, did that make me feel good.”
Money to burn
June 30, 2008
TONY
“You see this cigar … a guy just came by and gave it to me. it’s a $65 Havana cigar. What am I supposed to do with a $65 cigar?
Fearsome food fight
June 23, 2008
TONY
“See this cut on my arm … I got it from a raccoon. I was sleeping outside a few days back and he came up to me and he tried to take my bag of food away; I mean the bag was right next to me. Well of course he wakes me up and no way I’m letting go of my bag — but he got me here before I chased him off. Those raccoons aren’t afraid of anything anymore.”
The grate unknown
June 18, 2008
PHILIP
“Where did you sleep last night?”
TONY
“In the park; at least it was warm.”
PHILIP
“I thought you were all set up to sleep inside this week.”
TONY
“Phil, why would you ask me where I was sleeping last night if you already knew?”
PHILIP
“I can’t ask you a question about where you slept last night?”
TONY
“Phil, I gotta say you are being touchy this morning. You get enough sleep last night?”
The lock down
June 17, 2008
TONY
“Check out my new lock. After getting my bench stolen two times I had to do something, if you know what I mean.”
In the ribs
June 16, 2008
TONY
“You should have seen the dinner I had last night. You know the new restaurant, Eva’s just up here. Well the owner comes out, asks me if I like ribs. Beef ribs.
“Do I like ribs? Me? No kidding, do I like ribs? The guy tells me somebody ordered the ribs but then changed their mind. So I can see that the ribs were already paid for — were they ever delicious. Almost as thick as my wrist plus they were so tender that you could take ’em apart with just tooth picks. I didn’t even get to the corner at Howard Park before I’d inhaled all of them.
“Man, I love ribs, especially beef ribs. You would have loved them, Phil.”
If you know what I mean
June 13, 2008
PHILIP
“Do you anything about that streetperson who’s coming down the street now?”
TONY
“Oh yea, him. You know, he’s actually a pretty nice guy. But there’s sure something broken upstairs and I think he might be getting worse.
“You ever heard the old saying about being sorry that you’ve got no shoes — and then you run into a guy who’s got no feet? Well, he’s one of those guys with no feet, if you know what I mean.”
——
P.S.: FYI, Tony’s saying comes from Sa’di, a Persian scholar who lived 800 years ago — see more near the bottom: classics.mit.edu/Sadi/gulistan.html. ps
The Obama/Webb ticket
June 9, 2008
PHILIP
“You know, Tony, I think it’s going to be an Obama/Webb landslide.”
TONY
“Then I’d say that’s the one to ride, Phil.”
Homeless Man Speaks 